If there is one film that needs no sequel, prequel or anything else for that matter, it’s John Carpenter’s magnificent, horror classic The Thing.  However, in the 29 years since its release, Hollywood has become a barren wasteland of ideas and has begun to remake, prequelise and reboot classic films. It was only a matter of time before they came knocking at The Thing‘s ornate and beautiful door. Sigh.

The Thing (imaginatively titled eh?) tells the story of what happened to the Norwegian camp that we see decimated in the 1982 classic. Quite why this story needed to be told is anyone’s guess, but tell it they do. I say “tell it”, it’s more like “dribble it”.

The film opens with some Norwegian scientists coming across a giant space ship (and frozen alien) buried in the snow. Being Norwegian and therefore quite obviously stupid, they are left with no option but to call in the assistance of intelligent Americans to assist with their scientific find. They then party in true Norwegian style and drink funny foreign beer, meanwhile, their icy-alien find escapes from the ice and becomes an angry,  roaming, killer lump of obtrusive CGI.

This is where the problems with the film really begin. In the 1982 classic, “The Thing” only really shows itself when cornered or threatened, in the 2011 version, it seems to be incredibly extroverted and loves nothing more than popping up for a chat and a murder. The problem is that when it does show itself, it immediately turns into a glossy, CG effect and therefore offers no scares. In the 1982 version, the terror was there on screen, it was a practical effect and still stands up 29 years later, it’s highly doubtful that the 2011 effects will look any good in one year.

Any opportunity to show “the Thing” is taken and we see everything. There is no mystery to this creature and therefore the suspense is minimal. The lack of scares in this film is a problem, each time there is any opportunity to build tension or get some atmosphere going, we are presented with a giant CG beast, front and centre and another plodding set piece begins.  This film has more in common with the game from 2002 than the 1982 film.

As an explanation of what happened to the Norwegian camp in The Thing, this is pretty lame. I much prefer the job my imagination did.

There are a few good moments, the continuity scenes are handled well for the most part and don’t feel too tacked on. However, the cast is largely forgettable and the effects are definitely not the best you’ll see.

Overall it seems really sad that modern cinema seems utterly incapable of making a half decent horror film at the moment. There seems to be far too much emphasis on CGI and never enough attention paid to the source material. The craft and care that was involved with the 1982 film is sadly lacking here and the film suffers for it.

Some Things should be left well alone.